“What can I do to make my marriage last?” – one client recently asked me, let’s call her Shina.
She is a 32-year-old lawyer from Delhi, about to marry the man she truly loves. But she had loved for real before, and that relationship eventually ended.
Over the course of several sessions, she and I discussed why they might have rubbed off. We tried to answer the question of what could have been done differently.
One thing I must mention at this point is that I am extremely glad to hear a young man express such concern. It shows that they’re willing to be honest and vulnerable and fight for their relationship, and that’s a great starting point.
Around the world, talking about worries or problems in intimate relationships is still often considered taboo. As a result, people who could be happier with a little help instead suffer in enforced silence.
Mutual infatuation can have the wonderful effect of leveling that playing field somewhat. Both partners can now determine how they want to be viewed and treated as they pursue a relationship together. This is helpful because in my opinion, the main reason relationships fail is when a partner doesn’t treat and understand the other person the way they want.
Sheena was on both sides of this divide. She had a partner in her past who treated her with disdain for so long, in a disjointed but steady manner, that it ate away at their love connection. She was guilty of doing the same thing to someone she truly loved, she says.
When the relationship ended, both times, it broke her heart. But in both cases she knew they had become fragile.
There are three relatively simple steps to avoid such grief. After all, carelessness, not intentional cruelty, often causes harm. So here it is.
* Treat your partner as your top priority: Let me explain this with an example from the early years of my marriage. I remember seeing my husband’s Favorites list on his phone and feeling a sense of comfort and elation when it turned out I was the first. It was a confirmation of what I already felt in our marriage (and feel to this day): each of us is the person the other turns to before anyone else in life.
A phone list may seem like an almost silly parameter, but a recent study found that for the vast majority of men around the world, the mother tops the list, and for the vast majority of women, the husband tops it.
I don’t want to get involved in the absurd saas bahu arguments that seem to plague many families. It just seems to me that this kind of imbalance can reflect a deeper imbalance…and balance is everything in something as turbulent as marriage.
* Take the time to be mindful: Only if a person is attentive, you feel the unspoken. Mindfulness helps mend relationships in relationships. It allows for small acts of kindness that make both partners happy: sincere compliments, gratitude for little things, small acts of affection or care. It literally sustains love.
* Make room for each other: We all change. Perhaps the partner is now more anxious or less successful than they were when you met. It is not easy for them either. Try to respond to situations, discussions, and compromises with kindness rather than impatience with this new reality. This is what it means to someone to be understood.
And if you think you’re not entirely happy with what’s going on, know that every adult on the planet feels the same way. There will always be a gap between what one expects – from one’s partner, one’s home, one’s work, one’s life – and what one encounters. Monitoring that gap and ensuring that it doesn’t turn into a dangerous chasm is what it’s all about.
(Simran Mangharam is a dating and relationship coach and can be reached at simran@floh.in)
