In the delicate dance of love, promises about the future often serve as emotional anchors, where shared dreams of growing old together, building a home, or going on adventures can strengthen the bonds between partners. However, what happens when these promises are nothing more than empty words designed to manipulate?
In a recent YouTube video, Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a Los Angeles-based psychologist and expert on narcissistic behavior, shed light on a subtle but harmful tactic called “faking the future.” She warned viewers to recognize these manipulative behaviors often used by narcissists, as they can quietly undermine trust and well-being in a relationship.
What is future falsification?
Lying about the future is not the same as hopeful planning or fantasizing about the future, it is an elaborate tactic used to control or extract something from a partner under the guise of promises. Dr. Durvasula explained, “Faking the future isn’t talking about a hopeful future—it’s just wishful thinking. It’s about coaxing something from someone based on a promise they have no intention of keeping.”
For example, a narcissistic partner may promise to buy a bigger house next year—provided their partner refrains from spending money now. Another classic example is the ultimate commitment: the promise to grow old together. While these promises may seem sincere, they are often empty gestures designed to keep the relationship intact while the narcissist reaps the benefits of adoration, status, or control.
The emotional cost of falsifying the future
One of the most insidious aspects of faking the future is the long-term emotional impact, and Dr. Durvasula emphasized that these promises often trap people in toxic relationships, especially those who grew up in times when narcissism was less understood. She noted that many older couples have endured decades of manipulation without realizing it.
“I’ve dealt with people who are in their 40s, even their 50s and 60s, who are just now realizing the narcissistic patterns they’ve endured,” she shared. The danger is especially acute with the age of the couple.
According to Dr. Durvasula, narcissistic people are unlikely to care about their partners when health problems arise, despite years of reassurance. “Your illness will be an inconvenience to them,” she warned.
Worse, if the narcissistic partner’s health deteriorates first, the other partner may find themselves caring for an ungrateful person who has already caused years of emotional pain.
How to recognize a fake future
Recognizing future imitation can be difficult, especially in the early stages of a relationship. Here are some red flags to watch out for –
- Grand promises without a plan: Does your partner often make promises about the future, but doesn’t discuss concrete steps to achieve them?
- Contingent liabilities: Are their promises tied to your sacrifices or the fulfillment of specific requirements?
- Patterns of broken promises: Have they repeatedly defaulted on past commitments?
- Emotional manipulation: Do they use future promises to calm you down during arguments or to keep you from leaving the relationship?
Release from the cycle
If you see future-falsification in your relationship, it’s important to take a step back and evaluate your partner’s intentions and actions. Are they truly invested in building a future with you, or are they using promises as a tool to maintain control?
Dr. Durvasula encouraged people to trust their instincts and prioritize their emotional health. “The goal is to identify toxic patterns early and protect yourself from the long-term effects of manipulation,” she said.
Lying about the future is more than just empty promises—it’s a manipulation tactic that can have deep emotional and psychological consequences, but by understanding these behaviors and being vigilant, you can protect yourself from falling into the trap of a narcissistic relationship. As Dr. Durvasula aptly said, “The future is too precious to waste on someone who uses it as a bargaining chip instead of a journey together.”
