If outsiders flirt with your partner while the two of you are in an intimate relationship, you might think that it might make your partner more desirable to you because of increased jealousy. After all, it is considered playful and harmless. Possession feels romantic and fiery. But according to the study, it is not so passionate and can lead to disastrous consequences.
A new study published in the Journal of Sex Research investigated what happens when you witness an outsider flirting with your partner. They made a surprising discovery. Instead of increasing desire due to jealousy, these instances actually decrease attraction, even if your partner doesn’t respond to the flirting.
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Mate poaching
Researchers from Reichman University in Herzliya, Israel, and from the University of Rochester in the United States put forward a different narrative that attention from others increases the attractiveness of a partner and challenges traditional beliefs. Instead, attraction wanes in long-term relationships largely because of a deep-seated fear of insecurity.
The formula “more attention – more desire” does not seem to apply to established relationships.
The researchers highlighted the concept of poaching, where they view outsiders interested in their lover as a potential competitor who could “hijack” their lover. This innate fear of losing them creates defensive behavior, making them less attractive and predisposing them to disconnect.
The researchers called this a “paradox” because the same scenario would ideally make a person more possessive and attracted, but this competitor actually reduces desire. This factor of external attractiveness for a partner can increase desirability at the nascent stage of a relationship.
Co-author Harry Reiss said: “The problem is that once we’ve established a relationship, we start to worry about something called poaching – the idea that a competitor might lure away our partner.” Emotional disconnection is an attempt to protect their self-esteem and protect them from emotional defeat if their fears do come true. By reducing their desire, it “softens” the blow when they break up.
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Efforts are waning
The researchers also talked about how people use positive and negative strategies to maintain close relationships with their partners. Positive tactics include actions such as giving gifts and spending quality time together, while negative tactics can include trying to control your partner’s time. But when someone feels insecure and sees unwanted flirting with their partners, their display of love becomes more withdrawn.
Lead author Gurit Birnbaum said: “When the likelihood of a partner being attracted to someone else is perceived to be high, such as when they receive attention from others, people tend to reject positive tactics. These defensive distancing responses, says Birnbaum, are designed to avoid the potential blow to one’s self-esteem from rejection, rather than to risk continued attachment to a partner whose commitment may be compromised by competing suitors.’
Co-author Harry Reiss advised, “Don’t flirt with others if you want your partner to be happy with you.” An unsolicited flirtation sows the seeds of abandonment in their heads, but when a partner reciprocates the rival’s flirtation, the relationship is at catastrophic risk.
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