Jealousy can look cute in fiction when the brooding partner obsesses over the relationship. In fact, thanks to these gentle, fictional characters, possessiveness can also be one of the main, desirable traits in your future partner. Reality check, take off the rose colored glasses. It’s as horrible as biting your tongue while eating your favorite food. It can also ruin your favorite dish forever. Jealousy in a relationship is not pleasant at all. Have you ever had a partner who always worries about your past relationships? Maybe they bombard you with relentless questions like “Are you still thinking about them?”
This obsessive and possessive focus on a partner’s past comes from a place of insecurity that they are not good enough. This is called reverse jealousy. Psychotherapist Nadia Adessi took to Instagram to talk about the concept and explain its origins further.
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What is reverse jealousy?
At first glance, it may seem that they doubt their partner’s intentions, bearing in mind that they fear that their partner may return to a past relationship. You may feel like they are questioning you and the relationship. It’s as if their confidence in the bond itself is wavering. However, this jealousy actually stems from insecurity and is a projection of their own fear of abandonment and low self-esteem.
Nadia Adessi explained: “It’s not always about what they’re doing now, it’s about an anxious attachment style and a deeper sense of insecurity. If you don’t feel completely safe or “good enough”; in yourself, your mind can go into overdrive, focusing on past relationships that are not really relevant to the present. It’s that voice in our head that wonders, “What if I’m not as good as the people they were with before?”
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Treatment tips
If this sounds familiar, move away from the old pattern. Psychotherapist Nadia Adessi offers some helpful treatment tips to keep retroactive jealousy from getting in the way of your relationship.
Stay in the present
You should not dwell on the past. Over-thinking, over-accepting, and over-analyzing the ghosts of past relationships can overwhelm your current relationship, potentially pushing it to the breaking point. Instead, stay confident in the strength of your current relationship. The past can’t reach you, what’s done is done. Nadia Adessi makes a very valid and strong point about this. “Focus on the connection you’re building right now, which is stronger and more real than any memory.”
Self love
Since jealousy originates in problematic self-esteem, take care of yourself. Self-love and self-compassion will help you navigate the turbulent waters of negative self-image. Nadi said, “Jealousy often highlights the parts of us that need reassurance and nurturing.” Listen to what your jealousy is saying and start identifying what is bothering you and work on it.
Open communication
A relationship is not a gladiator fight or the pursuit of some ego victory. Be honest and transparent with your partner. Jealousy often confronts a partner and questions his intentions. Avoid making your partner feel responsible for your insecurities. You must say without any embarrassment, “It’s not you, it’s me.” Be bold and brave enough to show your vulnerable side. This way your partner can better understand you and offer support.
As advised by Nadia Odesi: “Have open and honest conversations with your partner. Let them know how you feel—not to make them responsible, but to give yourself the freedom to be vulnerable. Remember, hindsight jealousy isn’t about them and what they do or don’t do right, it’s about understanding your own needs and fears and then working through them in the relationship.”
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