Raising confident children: 8 parenting tips to help your child speak up and be heard

In the modern era, especially post-pandemic and even more so in urban spaces, speech delays and communication gaps among children have been common. There are many reasons for this, but the focus is on how we approach communication and teach children to speak openly.

In an interview with HT Lifestyle, Dr Lakshmi Menon, consultant neonatologist and pediatrician at Cloudnine Group of Hospitals in Bellandur, Bengaluru, shared, “Children learn speech skills mainly from their peers, caregivers and role models, including parents and siblings and sisters. They pick up tone, wording, and nuances from what they observe around them.”

Public expectations and communication problems

• Children are taught when and how to speak or not to speak.
• From an early age, children are taught to speak quietly, respectfully, or sometimes asked to “use their inner voice.”
• Children are often silenced or told to “shut up” when they want to express a point of view, and asked to “speak up” when they mumble. These ambiguous signals can confuse children.
• In many societies there is an opinion that “it is better for a child to see than to hear.”
• As a result, children grow up learning to suppress their thoughts and feelings, which leads to poor communication skills. They may become aggressive, disruptive, shy, or have difficulty expressing themselves emotionally.

Learning assertiveness instead of aggression

• Assertiveness is key to helping children speak up and become empowered individuals.
• Aggressive voice: Shout, use loud voices and lots of gestures to be heard.
• Passive state: Avoid eye contact, mumbling, or fidgeting.
• An insistent voice: Clear, calm voice, maintaining eye contact and remaining calm.
• Role models—parents and teachers—can demonstrate assertiveness and practice with children using role-play.

Why is it important for children to speak?

1. Stand up for what they believe in:
   • Teaching children to speak up helps them develop a strong moral compass and stand up for what they believe.
2. Development of communication skills:
   • Good communication helps children make friends, succeed in their careers, and understand body language and cues.
   • Encourage children to order food at a restaurant or interact with the cashier to practice speaking.
3. Resolution of problems and disputes:
   • Conversation can resolve conflicts and differences of opinion.
4. Emotional intelligence:
   • Speaking out allows children to understand and cope with difficult situations.
   • Regular one-on-one conversations with your child can help him rationalize events and learn ways to deal with them.
5. Safety and self-defense:
   • Children who talk are more likely to ask for help in dangerous or uncomfortable situations.
   • Role playing can help teach children how to respond in these situations.

Tips for encouraging children to talk more

1. Encourage self-expression:
   • Start with age-appropriate conversations by helping toddlers name their emotions (eg, “Are you angry, sad, happy?”).
   • As children grow, encourage them to explain why they feel the way they do.
   • Be patient and let them think about their answers without prompting them.
2. Let everyone speak:
   • Include children in family conversations and let them express their ideas and opinions.
   • Avoid going silent on them when they are talking during discussions.
3. Give everyone their time:
   • Encourage respectful conversation, making sure no one talks to another family member.
   • Teach children to respectfully disagree without using derogatory language.
4. Let them figure it out:
   • If they don’t get it right the first time, let them practice.
   • Don’t rescue them or solve their problems for them, because they learn best by finding their own solutions.
5. Learn through play:
   • Role playing is a fun way for children to see how their words and body language affect situations.
6. Body language awareness:
   • Teach children good body language through role playing.
   • Show them how to stand tall, swing their legs, maintain eye contact, and speak confidently.
7. Ask open-ended questions:
   • Avoid starting the conversation with “why,” which can make children defensive.
   • Instead, ask questions like, “What was fun at school today?” encourage longer, more thoughtful responses.
8. Be available:
   • Older children may become quieter and shy to express themselves.
   • Spend time alone with each child, especially in large families, so they feel heard.

There is no magic formula to encourage children to be more communicative. However, with practice, patience and guidance, we can help even young children find their voice and express themselves confidently.